iamPinkVelvet

I’m bloggin over breakfast. It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Mother made breakfast this morning, it was yummy.

Someone asked me, “How’s life after college?” I answered her with a boring, melancholy “it’s good.” When in actuality, life after college is fabulous. I feel free, no longer captive to the Victorian style architecture of “downtown” Newark, although I never really was considering I had a car, but socially I’m free, new experiences and people. I’m loving it.

This weekend was mellow. I spent the usual Friday happy hour at the afterwork spot with the coworkers. During this time, some gossip amongst truth was spread.

He admitted it. In so many words, He confessed that he’s attracted to me and that He tries to keep it professional. I’m glad He does because if He didn’t, I would have a very hard time doing so. =) It’s hard to ignore the attraction, my selfish reasons and feelings, my own pleasure and satisfaction, my vulnerability. I keep it professional out of fear; fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of being a home wrecker, my reputation is dire. I respect the union of marriage; man, woman, and God. I too, would like to be married some day and KARMA is a *****.

Speaking of marriage, I saw Not Easily Broken with My Neighbor. On a scale of 1-5, I give it a 5, simply because I cried, laughed, was ready to fight, and it got me hot all in one movie. Morris is a beautiful black man. Let me reiterate, beautifully black. It was about a man and a woman who got married young and were growing apart mostly because of a financial strain, Taraji Henson played Clarisse, Morris’ wife, and was the breadwinner, trying to be the HOH, but Morris was a good man. She was raised by a Mother who had her own issues and inflicted her pain on Clarisse by making her strong and independent so she wouldn’t need a man. I won’t go into any more details, you just have to go see it. It made me feel guilty though for my thoughts just alone.

Prior to the movie, my mentor called and needed to vent about a conversation he had with his Mother. His mother too, a strong black woman, raising two kids, with a man who really didn’t step not to the plate. Now Mother doesn’t necessarily realize that her son is now a Man. So many years, black women have had to step into the role of mother and father, because they (black men) are weak. It’s a vicious cycle, so many bastard children, repeating the cycle, no positive male figures (maybe uncles). A cycle that needs to be broken or who knows what will happen, actually we do, they’ll end up robbing and killing their own.

In my own life, my Mother too is very strong, she plays both roles, my stepfather has taken ill and my father well he’s around, I actually don’t know what his problem is, maybe he feels that we’re too old and it’s too late. I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl and probably the reason why I look for a strong, black male to be in a relationship. I admitted to him that I don’t want to be the mother & the father, that I want to be a wife and a mother. I see all the stress that my Mother goes through, I feel like she’s carrying the burden alone, I don’t want that. I want to be feminine, strong yet gentle, loving, nurturing, and at times submissive when I need to be.

I have the perfect song for this blog, that good Mary.